Painfully Waiting

Day 46 - November 27, 2021

“I’m waiting, I’m waiting on you Lord and I am hopeful. I’m waiting on you Lord though it is painful. Yet patiently I will wait. I will move ahead, bold and confident. Taking every step in obedience. While I’m waiting, I will worship. While I’m waiting, I will serve you. While I’m waiting, I will not fail. I’ll keep running the race…even while I wait.”

-John Waller "While I'm Waiting"

Choose worship. Choose joy. 

Today I choose worship. Today I choose joy.

This season is meant to break me. I am meant to be broken, humbled, and lowered to a place where I understand who I am and where I have value. My value is not in my work. My value is not in my business. My value is not in my ability or my talents or my skills. My value is not in my clothing or the way I present myself. My value is not in how much money I have. My value is not in my friends or lack thereof. 

My value is ONLY in Jesus Christ. To Him I am priceless. To Him I am useful. To Him I have a purpose. To Him I am valuable. 

That’s it. That is the whole point of my life. So even when I feel frustrated, discouraged, and heartbroken I have a solid foundation on the fact that my God says I am so loved, so cherished, so wanted, so valuable that He gave up everything to have a relationship with me. So my job is to do the same. I thought I had done that but I am finding out that I was wrong. I only gave up my possessions. I didn’t give up myself. I held onto my pride, selfishness, and stubbornness. 

I have cried more days that not since I have been in this season and why? Because I was thinking about myself. I wanted to work. I wanted to do something. I wanted to be valuable. I wanted to give back. I wanted to serve. But why? Because I needed to be busy to feel value. OOP. I said it. Without something to do I felt worthless. Without an agenda I felt unhinged. Without a consistent task I felt bored. 

In every moment when I was alone with my thoughts there was an audible whisper. “Spend time with Me.” I couldn’t hear that when I was busy. I couldn’t hear that when my frustration overwhelmed my mind. I could only hear that in the…quiet, unproductive, boredom. When nothing else was going on and I had exhausted my unhealthy emotions that’s when I could finally hear, “Spend time with Me.” So I will. Because that’s all I can do right now and because that is the lesson I am meant to learn in this season. I can lean into Him, let Him hold my hand with His, and listen to His voice instead of my own. I can run to Him for strength, joy, and peace instead of limping to Him after I have become exhausted by my own attempts at obtaining the same. 

This is what I am meant to learn. So I will learn it well. I will listen well. “I will move ahead, BOLD and CONFIDENT, taking every step in obedience. While I’m waiting, I will worship. While I’m waiting, I will serve You. While I’m waiting, I will not fail. I’ll keep running the race, even while I wait.” 

Today I went to the kids home in the morning to get their group photos before they went to school.

I love seeing these kiddos! They are so sweet and so joyful. I spent time with the girls and then the boys before they loaded onto the bus and headed off. Some of the older boys are in college which is 10th, 11th, and 12th grade. They rode in the rickshaw and on the bike to reach their schools instead of getting on the bus. The older boys are quickly becoming close to my heart because they are at the point where they give back to the younger kids and it is so precious to watch them be leaders and servants in the areas where they have the liberty.

The rest of the day was spent editing and running errands for the clinic's grand opening which I will be photographing next week. They are finalizing the details this weekend so that everything will be ready on time. The evening ended in a long conversation with my mom which was much needed and catching up with some friends.