Hitting A Wall

Day 25 - November 5, 2021

This morning was an early one. I was able to have coffee and spend time with Jesus worshiping and reading Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 6-8. I had a serious conversation with a friend over the phone and then spent the rest of the day editing until about 5 PM when everything happened at once. 

Let me just say that the most difficult two things about living here are the language barrier, the loneliness, and the massive amounts of time where literally nothing is happening. The time I have been able to redeem thanks to all of the photography projects needing to be edited. The loneliness is what it is, but the language barrier is not getting easier with time. In fact it’s is getting more difficult. I have attended several events where not only was no English spoken but nothing was translated. Apart from reading body language and general context I will go several hours having absolutely no idea what is happening. It’s frustrating. But what is more frustrating is that I cannot seem to hold on to the language. I have learned and conversed in seven languages in my lifetime but this native language will be the death of me. I do not know why I cannot retain it. 

I went to visit the kids again tonight and realized that some of the girls missed portrait day so I will have to come back out to finish their pictures during the daytime. I still have not started on the boys portraits because by the time we head to their hostel it is already dark. This evening I had to ask the Lord for kindness, joy, and self-control because everything in me wanted to be upset. When you feel like your day was spent trying to redeem your time and then you are commanded to sit in a chair listening to another language being spoken untranslated for two hours you have to make an effort to express positive emotions. Maybe you don’t but I do. Thankfully the Lord not only helped me get through the evening but he gave me giggles and hugs through the sweetest kiddos. They don’t all speak English but pictures and smiles can communicate a lot so that’s what we do; take pictures and smile with each other. 

I am an unashamed workaholic. I enjoy work. I like being busy. I THRIVE doing things with people. Let me emphasize the WITH PEOPLE part because I am an extreme extrovert. God wired me to charge when I am in community with people. The loneliness is not unbearable but I have noticed a massive difference in my demeanor when I have spent the day with people as opposed to being alone. When I spend the day alone I am physically and mentally exhausted. Zapped. Worn out. Depleted if you will. However, when I spend the day with people I feel a ridiculous amount of energy. I talk faster. I smile bigger. I require less sleep. I am bubbly and giddy and I love it. 

God knows. He made me this way. He gave me the gift of a photography business so that I could spend unplugged time with people for hours on end. He gets me and I know He will be faithful and good in this season. I just have to let go of me and let Him lead. Today He led all day and for that I am thankful.